I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize