at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
