and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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