I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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