Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
