Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
