She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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