she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm getting married
To pizza
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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