So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
