So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
