I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
