I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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