Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
