He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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