I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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