I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
