oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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