I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
