she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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