Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
