the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize