Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
