Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
