i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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