Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?Â
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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