i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
