I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
