she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
