sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
