Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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