Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
