I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
