Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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