Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
