I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
you had me at cake vodka
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
