Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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