i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
