No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
