Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
