My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
