Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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