Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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