I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
