i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
