I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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