you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
