1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
