dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
