She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Who died my cat blue again?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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