you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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