On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
