I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
