Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
