what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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