I cockslap morals
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
