Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
