I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
