you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize