the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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